Updated: Aug 29
Author: DP My Friends Connect Divorce Support Group
1) Keep your sanity. Know that you have value, integrity and are still worth what you were before the whole separation issue came into being regardless of what anyone says. It was never a mate’s job to define you, why ask them to do it now.
2) You are nothing new. Others have traveled this divorce/separation road before. Seek them out. Listen to them. Rather; listen to those who have your best interest at heart, that doesn't mean those who take your side. Everyone thinks their separation secrets are unique, shameful and misunderstood. They aren't. You are nothing new.
I3) Give it away. Find someone, in the curse of your busy day who needs you and do something for them you wish someone had done for you when you really needed it. Go visit a hospital or elderly home if you have no friends who need you but find a way to give some of yourself away and do it consistently.
4) Set a time for allowing yourself to be dominated by the stress, shattered dreams and pain of the situation. Don't let it dominate your work and other most valuable relationships with family and friends. You will do best with an uncluttered mind. Do what you must do to compartmentalize the severity of your situation. During the time you allow yourself to contemplate your situation, try not to define yourself as divorced or alone. You don't know who you are right now, much less what the future holds.
5) A ruler can't measure itself. Its answer is always one foot. You do and have done some things you could and should have done better. So what? Don't fear your flaws. Face them, acknowledge them and alter them as time permits. Now isn't that time to change them but it is fair to admit where we understand things need to change.
6) Find out who you are again. The marriage has probably absorbed the best you had to offer, and it didn't work. The separation allows for freedom, yes, this means "love again" love yourself, love your kids. love your God, or another potential mate but love. If you don't use the freedom you have, you are simply stuck. Bitterness is a very lonely friend.
7) Get grounded. Self is not the end of the highway nor is it a goal unto itself. Become a part of something larger than you are. The Divorce group is a great thing and may be all you can manage; for today but find a group or mission that sees things the way you do and be a part of it. You are going to survive this and probably be a better person in the long run.
8) Nothing is sacred. The home is bricks, the little gifts, and doo-dads that were once so valuable due to the birthday or celebration they represent are no longer what they once were. Toss them. Get the keepsakes away from you as they will lug you down in the future. Stop continuing to re-live the events that led to the break-up. At some point, once you've thought it through you must put a period at the end of the sentence.
9) You can't wear failure. Everyone; man or woman, feels like a failure when a marriage fails. Failure is a verb, not a noun. You are not a failure. You may have failed as did 100% of the people around you who have also failed at something. You have value.
10) You can't control your (former) mate’s behavior but you CAN control your expectations. Life looks out of control. This looks different to everyone, but it is critical to know that there's still a part of you where you still have some control. You can start by reevaluating what you believe "normal" is. For now, there is no "normal", so create one for yourself, one you can believe in, then live with it.